Living in a Bubble

I am not meant to live in a bubble.
By the sheer nature of trying and failing, like the inner me condemned the outer me to be unable to fit in a bubble.  Yea, I was always this voluptuous size; yet the diminutive me refused even then to remain in a bubble for all of life.
it began when my language was a problem, I thought faster than I spoke and with the limitations of English - let's just say I loved the phrase of forget about it, because I got tired of explaining to my parents what I was trying to say;
then, it was because well my beauty meant I am supposed to fix the world, I felt like the guys from the hood passed around a cheat sheet so they all told me how "being with you would fix their lives" leaving me to wonder well what is in it for me and if you need fixing how is that my responsibility... Nough to say younger years were filled with shortlived hello's that quickly turned to bye-bye.

then I said, oh wait - Men, Adult men with experience they will do better, right? Wrong!! they wanted me as a showcase, on a shelf, pristine, just the right size, smile, make up, length of hair and one when he realized that these beautiful locks only had so much growth potential wanted me to wear extensions - the nerve!

the fixings and pullings, and suggesting, and insisting continued until now I don't fit in a bubble. I mean all this beauty would require a bubble 3 feet wide, by 6 feet tall, and let's not include room to breath; just imagine that bubble riding the city subway -- it would need a zap potential just so that people wouldn't impinge on my space...

All to say, bubbles should be a game played with a little bit of soap (yes I am a child of the 60s), and should be blown for a short while, pop, and then allow the person to go back to reality.

That Day

Today was that day

That day I realize the cost of friendship

That day I tell my friend how much I love him and how much we suck at marriage

That day I hold my friend in my arms and tell him again that the world is better with him in it

Today was that day!

That day I saw.my inner strength when I said all the words and meant them

That day where in.spite of.my wounds I was strong for.someone else

That day I defended my freedom and.said.life is not bondage

Today.was.that day!

And, now it is tomorrow and that day is a memory in the rear view mirror.

6-12-2020

Letting Go

When the time has passed
and you are still a crutch
When I base my worth
on just a smile and a wink from you
When in a second all that matters
is that you care.


We both know I need to let go, I need to let you fly.  It was a temporary moment, that time will not change, it was a crazy interlude that helped me get to the next phase of life.  You have grown away and in ways that I may never understand.  Still hard to let you go.

Doing too much

when waking up... or actually sleeping ...
Until realizing that I am doing too much.
I am planning too many activities and want to bond with so many people
that I so crowded me out that I don't want to be with...


Me, them, the money in my bank account


I mean why does it ever matter.  People need, they will alsoalways want and plan to have even if they rob you of what you have so you just give it away so that at least you have a choice == but if your giving is really their taking and you have been tied in so many knots that it is no longer give and take --- but just take, more than I have I am robbed, and blind, and cold, and lonely thought that I was doing too much.


SEe I am always running to catch up to where I would have been to realize that I really was standing where I needed to be and so time has now looped and I am jumping rope but still getting old in spite of it all.


When greed and self centered, actually go to dinner with generosity and kindness and find out that they all fall short.


back to finding those virtues that I left lying here somewhere,
Oh how I hope that I did not lose them..

A day in this life

Realizing that I Had been away far too long.
Thoughts crowding in for expression.
The reason I write overshadowed
by all the thoughts that now want to be spilled from my fingers.


Some say writers block
I have writers vomit
for when I attempt to write there is a steady stream of consciousness that bursts through such that I have to regroup and then attempt to organize in a slower methodical way.


I am
thankfully
in this moment
for a day

the little things

I still remember my daughter's favorite phrase as a toddler, " Just a lil bit" and she would put her forefinger and thumb very close together to illustrate her point.

Well as I am coming back to work and thinking of her.
I'm thinking of a little change I can make -- not over-burdening her with my every thought.
I have had to grow and still grow through our separation, I look at my actions and the reasons for them.

I have spent a huge chunk of my life running -- somewhere.
whether emotionally so I didn't have to handle the loss of my mother and replaced it with dedication to someone I never figured out if I really wanted to marry;
to the separation anxiety being filled with too many commitments and committees and stuff; like I haven't had to learn too much about my husband because I am always off doing stuff.

I have to ask myself the lesson I've taught my two.
Maria kind of defends her 'do nothing' time by saying I just want to be still in my room doing nothing.  I used to do that, but I guess when so many people wanted a piece of my time, I got caught up in doing their stuff and so to defend my time -- I found stuff to do.

Wow!

One little step at a time.
Hugs to me :)

Life isn't solid, it's fluid, it changes - Random thoughts

One of my dear friends has an interesting quote in her status:

"Here's the Truth
Your situation
Is Never Permanent
It's What you make it
Life isn't solid, it's fluid
It changes"

I made it my screen background - because of the reverberating truth found in it.
I was sitting at my desk reflecting on loneliness, the feeling, isolation.
Nonsense that people do
Helplessness/powerlessness - when part of a group and the group leader - in the case of Presb. groups, the leader is supposed to moderate which I believe means collaborate.
Well the group leader wants to act more like a president that deligates.

I have so many tasks in front of me, I feel at times I don't really have the ability to get stuck on unimportant matters.
There is a roster of women that needs to be filled.
My team will be as strong as us pushing each other, but if time just keeps passing by, it will not go well.

I don't know
Stress:

This moment now, when the many injustices come flooding in.
the good smelling food, reminding me I don't have enough money; the end of the month approaching, reminding that I have to return to court; a planned trip to Maryland, chance to see family and hopefully not stress even more; husband stress, daughter stress; son stress;
church stress: people that have decided how much they will do despite the need to work together to accomplish a goal; sadness b/c life is short.