The chipping away

I read over all that I have written before and I find that more things are happening.

I have had the crazy wake up of a pillow being put on my head to muffle snoring.

Now, recently an argument about toner means that we barely speak and that we don't kiss or touch at all. The end seems to be approaching ever so slowly.

Sometimes, the things like having a forum where the gripes and moans can come out without having to burden others with my pain makes a difference for me. The enormity of getting a phone call to ask whether I am checking his messages at a time in -- better said the only time in our relationship where I really believe I wish someone were pulling him away or he had messages to indicate that he could live elsewhere and that not only if I checked the messages wanting to know if I deleted those messages. This is the prize of absurdity. Right now I barely care whether he returns home at night much less who he is talking or not talking to. I barely want to speak with him. Doesn't he see I have stopped asking him questions.

The Pain of Love, cont'd

It seems that each day has a new surprise. I imagine if we live in the little things that those things can be compiled and create a bigger picture. It is not so much expecting the big heart bursting examples of love, it is in the little ways that I can get a hug, move in close, he cares how I feel or at least asks what is on my mind. Remembering to compile the instances and not just resenting the lack of big experiences is what can help me to build a feeling of okayness.

The Pain of Love

How can I love that which I don't understand.

I don't understand how less touching can mean more love. I don't understand how saying little or nothing can mean, that we have great understanding. I don't understand. How do my needs get met how do I get the hugs and the care that I want in a relationship.

Is this my ball and chain. Did getting this ring mean that I can expect nothing else. What happened to sensitivity? I am soon going to be 40 and I don't see how affection shouldn't be part of my future.