Home a week with my beau. But do I trust him, HELL NO!!!
I don't know what kind of fool he thinks I am, but I can't help but believe that he is just trying to be pimp daddy kane.
Him and his phone. But oh well. When I finish with me we will see where he will be...
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Uncertainty
I have heard some sermons at church recently that really discuss the heart of what God expects from his followers. So, now that I don't have questions about the big picture, I am still trying to fine tune my life.
I don't know what I want in a relationship. I seem to let my standards slip. I live with the day in day out sneaking suspicion that he is up to something. But, I don't want to engage in that conversation. Instead I want to rest my head in the comfort of my Lord's arms and just relax. I am troubled but I don't want to sound jealous.
Too much work there. These areas that I feel helpless in may be the very food/heart of my eating problem. I really have to work on opening my mind to feel the emotion and to stop masking something uncomfortable with something to chew on.
For a few days I have felt that I am being too informative, or disclosing too much of my personal life. But I get on a role and don't know how to shut up...
what's a woman to do?
I guess I still must focus on my strengths. Focus on me (like I explained to Jose -and him and his sister -- my children) the rest that I should not worry. What is mine, will be mine, what is not meant to be mine, will go away. I can not guarantee the results. I can invite conversation, discussion, honesty. I can do my best to rely on God, thereby testing my actions and trying to give the most encouraging approach to life.
I don't know what I want in a relationship. I seem to let my standards slip. I live with the day in day out sneaking suspicion that he is up to something. But, I don't want to engage in that conversation. Instead I want to rest my head in the comfort of my Lord's arms and just relax. I am troubled but I don't want to sound jealous.
Too much work there. These areas that I feel helpless in may be the very food/heart of my eating problem. I really have to work on opening my mind to feel the emotion and to stop masking something uncomfortable with something to chew on.
For a few days I have felt that I am being too informative, or disclosing too much of my personal life. But I get on a role and don't know how to shut up...
what's a woman to do?
I guess I still must focus on my strengths. Focus on me (like I explained to Jose -and him and his sister -- my children) the rest that I should not worry. What is mine, will be mine, what is not meant to be mine, will go away. I can not guarantee the results. I can invite conversation, discussion, honesty. I can do my best to rely on God, thereby testing my actions and trying to give the most encouraging approach to life.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Renewal
I believe with each day, I am called to have a renewal of faith. I have to consciously take my mind off all that will not help me and purposefully focus on the new, cheerful, enlightened life that I have before me.
Life is not the back seat of a taxi making the occasional comment about the direction, or sitting in a bus and hoping that the stop I get off is somewhere close to my destination.
Part of the difficulty is that the training to get to this point where I find myself hasn't allowed me to realize the difference ways of living life at this level until now. This is not to blame someone for doing wrong, it is just my focus has often been at fault and how much attention I really paid to others around me.
Today, is another day given to me to live. I am determined to find good cheer, smiles and relaxation. I will be motivated to complete the tasks I have set before me and because I am working together with God, I will succeed.
Life is not the back seat of a taxi making the occasional comment about the direction, or sitting in a bus and hoping that the stop I get off is somewhere close to my destination.
Part of the difficulty is that the training to get to this point where I find myself hasn't allowed me to realize the difference ways of living life at this level until now. This is not to blame someone for doing wrong, it is just my focus has often been at fault and how much attention I really paid to others around me.
Today, is another day given to me to live. I am determined to find good cheer, smiles and relaxation. I will be motivated to complete the tasks I have set before me and because I am working together with God, I will succeed.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The Inner Battles
Oh how the battle of the bulge attempts to defeat me.
Even now that I found how to stop the desire to eat, I still have the mind set come about saying that I would like to chew, I would like to sink my teeth into something -- that I don't need to eat!
Even now that I found how to stop the desire to eat, I still have the mind set come about saying that I would like to chew, I would like to sink my teeth into something -- that I don't need to eat!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Why love another?
Times are hard in this economy. People seem to change daily. Is there enough left to love another? Does it leave us with even less money in our pockets?
I don't know what happened to all the fun and happiness. Each day is just a little more grim than the day before. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am just too separated from what I like and want. I have spent so much time nurturing and caring for the wants of others, I have lost touch with what matters and is fun to me.
There is no good reason to be so deeply invovled that you have to meditate to figure out what you want. I am at a loss.
I don't know what happened to all the fun and happiness. Each day is just a little more grim than the day before. Maybe it is me. Maybe I am just too separated from what I like and want. I have spent so much time nurturing and caring for the wants of others, I have lost touch with what matters and is fun to me.
There is no good reason to be so deeply invovled that you have to meditate to figure out what you want. I am at a loss.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Faith & Belief
Genuinely, I think that faith and belief have to be so deeply embedded in a person that there is no room for fear.
Because fear minimizes faith. I have to walk with the assurance of knowing that God is on my side, that God is in control, that God can fix all things. That when I take the wrong road, or make a decision that goes against the goals I have set, my faith in God will allow those actions to work towards good.
But as Paul says, I should not use this excuse to continue to do bad.
I really have to put a considerable amount of energy into thinking about what is good. What would God like me to do with the rest of my life? Take baby steps. Walk in a direction that you are sure God agrees with. simple charity, acts of kindness. meditate. look for the urgings of the Holy Spirit. Meditation is key to getting inside one's mind, getting in tune with my own feelings, and hearing the voice of change that is needed to encourage me to go the right way.
Because fear minimizes faith. I have to walk with the assurance of knowing that God is on my side, that God is in control, that God can fix all things. That when I take the wrong road, or make a decision that goes against the goals I have set, my faith in God will allow those actions to work towards good.
But as Paul says, I should not use this excuse to continue to do bad.
I really have to put a considerable amount of energy into thinking about what is good. What would God like me to do with the rest of my life? Take baby steps. Walk in a direction that you are sure God agrees with. simple charity, acts of kindness. meditate. look for the urgings of the Holy Spirit. Meditation is key to getting inside one's mind, getting in tune with my own feelings, and hearing the voice of change that is needed to encourage me to go the right way.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Thoughts of being alone
As I continue on, there are just times of intense pain. Missing someone, grieving, doesn't necessarily end.
But having friends helps alot. I really enjoy the good camraderie I have with my friends, when they are available. Sometimes it is hard for me to realize that they are not always going to be available.
Surrounded by death. Parents, grandparents, siblings -- all dead.
I have my children while they are young...
But having friends helps alot. I really enjoy the good camraderie I have with my friends, when they are available. Sometimes it is hard for me to realize that they are not always going to be available.
Surrounded by death. Parents, grandparents, siblings -- all dead.
I have my children while they are young...
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Continuous Prayer
God do you hear the things I say, do you see the course I travel.
I often feel lost, afraid, worried.
There is so much to knowing you, following you and pursuing the truth because it is so often hidden in this world that seems to want to move farther and farther away from you.
Why? Why do we make our own existence that much more difficult??
So many new and strange experiences are coming to me and my family and I don't know how to correctly steer the path. I don't want to misguide them and I don't want to do things that would hurt them or anyone else.
God, please be my champion. Fill me with the knowledge I need to be the lead in the family that is so diverse. Show me how to accept the fault of others and yet remain steadfast in my prayer to you that they embrace all that you are. Oh, holy Lord the time is coming that change will strike all new chords. That knowledge is so fleeting.
Oh Lord of the Ages I feel that my energy is just disbursed. That there is nothing holding me together and that I have become a thin film. I feel that my spiritual eyes have gotten tired and my discernment is not as it should be. Reconcile me Lord, I beg you.
I often feel lost, afraid, worried.
There is so much to knowing you, following you and pursuing the truth because it is so often hidden in this world that seems to want to move farther and farther away from you.
Why? Why do we make our own existence that much more difficult??
So many new and strange experiences are coming to me and my family and I don't know how to correctly steer the path. I don't want to misguide them and I don't want to do things that would hurt them or anyone else.
God, please be my champion. Fill me with the knowledge I need to be the lead in the family that is so diverse. Show me how to accept the fault of others and yet remain steadfast in my prayer to you that they embrace all that you are. Oh, holy Lord the time is coming that change will strike all new chords. That knowledge is so fleeting.
Oh Lord of the Ages I feel that my energy is just disbursed. That there is nothing holding me together and that I have become a thin film. I feel that my spiritual eyes have gotten tired and my discernment is not as it should be. Reconcile me Lord, I beg you.
the strange of things
I have these conversations with others from time to time and it makes for an interesting afterthought.
What does the spiritual world consist of?
How do we know we are on the right path?
How do we know which way is forward?
Questions...
What does the spiritual world consist of?
How do we know we are on the right path?
How do we know which way is forward?
Questions...
Relationships
It is never easy to be in a relationship. It doesn't matter the kind of relationship, there is just implicit difficulty related. Because, there has to be compromise, consideration, and anything that is more than thinking about one's self takes work.
Sometimes, I make my relationship with others more important than my relationship with God or with me. I forgot to think about the "I" in the relationship. If I do all this for them, how will I feel. Does God really want me to do so much. Why am I so tired. If I don't take breaks for me, do activities by myself, have my own fun, how good am I going to be for others.
Whether it is shopping, doing my hair, taking a walk. Sometimes I need to have time to think my own thoughts.
Then when I am stronger and rested, I am able to be more objective, less worrisome, and able to let God do his work in my life and the lives of others. There can be a lot of pleasure in just being.
But I still think that I have written all of this and skirted the issues that bother me most. It bothers me that relationships are so hard.
It bothers me when I feel that I give and that my giving isn't considered enough.
It bothers me when I try to put a smile on someone else's face and they resist.
It bothers me when I really think I am trying to be considerate and they step on my feelings, or say inconsiderate words and offend me.
I love my children and my partner. but they take a lot of energy from me.
10-8-08
Too many times I have recently wanted to end my relationship. It is painful for me to stay and painful for me to end it. Last night he had no patience with anything I had to say. I did not realize how hurt I would be when My daughter told me that he was speaking to someone else on the phone. Today I sat still for about 30 minutes trying to find the way to say
"look I think it is not the same,
I think you don't feel the same about me,
you are hiding something..."
But then when I spoke with him, he sounded so cheerful that I didn't want to dampen his spirits. I guess that is my role, to often sacrifice and to love unconditionally.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The meter is running, it is like being in a taxi cab. I am not sure the destination, but the time it takes to travel means sacrifice. I have more suspicions and worries the longer I am with him. Until it crescendos and I find that I am begging God in prayer. I don't want to be needy, I don't want to be in pain. I also don't want to repeat past failures. I prayed that God protect me from the pain of earlier indecision and that he point me, illuminate the path, guide me to where I am to be. I also reminded God that I don't believe that he allowed me to survive and heal so that I can have another painful relationship with a man . At some point I cried enough and hugged myself enough that it was 4:30 this morning and I had slept. I feel much more relieved now I don't have more trust in my partner, but I have more faith in God.
Sometimes, I make my relationship with others more important than my relationship with God or with me. I forgot to think about the "I" in the relationship. If I do all this for them, how will I feel. Does God really want me to do so much. Why am I so tired. If I don't take breaks for me, do activities by myself, have my own fun, how good am I going to be for others.
Whether it is shopping, doing my hair, taking a walk. Sometimes I need to have time to think my own thoughts.
Then when I am stronger and rested, I am able to be more objective, less worrisome, and able to let God do his work in my life and the lives of others. There can be a lot of pleasure in just being.
But I still think that I have written all of this and skirted the issues that bother me most. It bothers me that relationships are so hard.
It bothers me when I feel that I give and that my giving isn't considered enough.
It bothers me when I try to put a smile on someone else's face and they resist.
It bothers me when I really think I am trying to be considerate and they step on my feelings, or say inconsiderate words and offend me.
I love my children and my partner. but they take a lot of energy from me.
10-8-08
Too many times I have recently wanted to end my relationship. It is painful for me to stay and painful for me to end it. Last night he had no patience with anything I had to say. I did not realize how hurt I would be when My daughter told me that he was speaking to someone else on the phone. Today I sat still for about 30 minutes trying to find the way to say
"look I think it is not the same,
I think you don't feel the same about me,
you are hiding something..."
But then when I spoke with him, he sounded so cheerful that I didn't want to dampen his spirits. I guess that is my role, to often sacrifice and to love unconditionally.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The meter is running, it is like being in a taxi cab. I am not sure the destination, but the time it takes to travel means sacrifice. I have more suspicions and worries the longer I am with him. Until it crescendos and I find that I am begging God in prayer. I don't want to be needy, I don't want to be in pain. I also don't want to repeat past failures. I prayed that God protect me from the pain of earlier indecision and that he point me, illuminate the path, guide me to where I am to be. I also reminded God that I don't believe that he allowed me to survive and heal so that I can have another painful relationship with a man . At some point I cried enough and hugged myself enough that it was 4:30 this morning and I had slept. I feel much more relieved now I don't have more trust in my partner, but I have more faith in God.
Mom's day
How strange it feels today. I forget when I wake up, but as I walk to work I realize that today is my mother's birthday!
For once I don't feel so sad and like I want to cry. I think it has made a big difference to have her picture displayed in my living room over the last year. I get to look at it often and somehow it is like she is there.
Maybe Duke is smart about a lot of things...
I didn't understand my mother much when she was alive and I don't understand much more now other than to admit that it is difficult to be a mother, that more than likely she did her best to make the best choices and give the advice that she thought would have the best outcome. Although that in itself means that she might be in direct conflict with what I thought I guess lead to a lot of heartache on my side.
It is funny that I always thought she was beautiful and the picture I have in my living room shows her more beautiful and slim than I remember. Funnier, is rather than having a model of some other slim person, I can aspire to get slim like she is in the picture.
Well, it looks like I will always love her. I am happy that Mommy is not suffering anymore. I am positive that she is either resting or in Heaven and it is most important to me that she is not still in pain.
On the day after birthday, I don't feel as positive. Now I am starting to feel sad.
For once I don't feel so sad and like I want to cry. I think it has made a big difference to have her picture displayed in my living room over the last year. I get to look at it often and somehow it is like she is there.
Maybe Duke is smart about a lot of things...
I didn't understand my mother much when she was alive and I don't understand much more now other than to admit that it is difficult to be a mother, that more than likely she did her best to make the best choices and give the advice that she thought would have the best outcome. Although that in itself means that she might be in direct conflict with what I thought I guess lead to a lot of heartache on my side.
It is funny that I always thought she was beautiful and the picture I have in my living room shows her more beautiful and slim than I remember. Funnier, is rather than having a model of some other slim person, I can aspire to get slim like she is in the picture.
Well, it looks like I will always love her. I am happy that Mommy is not suffering anymore. I am positive that she is either resting or in Heaven and it is most important to me that she is not still in pain.
On the day after birthday, I don't feel as positive. Now I am starting to feel sad.
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