As I continue on, there are just times of intense pain. Missing someone, grieving, doesn't necessarily end.
But having friends helps alot. I really enjoy the good camraderie I have with my friends, when they are available. Sometimes it is hard for me to realize that they are not always going to be available.
Surrounded by death. Parents, grandparents, siblings -- all dead.
I have my children while they are young...
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Continuous Prayer
God do you hear the things I say, do you see the course I travel.
I often feel lost, afraid, worried.
There is so much to knowing you, following you and pursuing the truth because it is so often hidden in this world that seems to want to move farther and farther away from you.
Why? Why do we make our own existence that much more difficult??
So many new and strange experiences are coming to me and my family and I don't know how to correctly steer the path. I don't want to misguide them and I don't want to do things that would hurt them or anyone else.
God, please be my champion. Fill me with the knowledge I need to be the lead in the family that is so diverse. Show me how to accept the fault of others and yet remain steadfast in my prayer to you that they embrace all that you are. Oh, holy Lord the time is coming that change will strike all new chords. That knowledge is so fleeting.
Oh Lord of the Ages I feel that my energy is just disbursed. That there is nothing holding me together and that I have become a thin film. I feel that my spiritual eyes have gotten tired and my discernment is not as it should be. Reconcile me Lord, I beg you.
I often feel lost, afraid, worried.
There is so much to knowing you, following you and pursuing the truth because it is so often hidden in this world that seems to want to move farther and farther away from you.
Why? Why do we make our own existence that much more difficult??
So many new and strange experiences are coming to me and my family and I don't know how to correctly steer the path. I don't want to misguide them and I don't want to do things that would hurt them or anyone else.
God, please be my champion. Fill me with the knowledge I need to be the lead in the family that is so diverse. Show me how to accept the fault of others and yet remain steadfast in my prayer to you that they embrace all that you are. Oh, holy Lord the time is coming that change will strike all new chords. That knowledge is so fleeting.
Oh Lord of the Ages I feel that my energy is just disbursed. That there is nothing holding me together and that I have become a thin film. I feel that my spiritual eyes have gotten tired and my discernment is not as it should be. Reconcile me Lord, I beg you.
the strange of things
I have these conversations with others from time to time and it makes for an interesting afterthought.
What does the spiritual world consist of?
How do we know we are on the right path?
How do we know which way is forward?
Questions...
What does the spiritual world consist of?
How do we know we are on the right path?
How do we know which way is forward?
Questions...
Relationships
It is never easy to be in a relationship. It doesn't matter the kind of relationship, there is just implicit difficulty related. Because, there has to be compromise, consideration, and anything that is more than thinking about one's self takes work.
Sometimes, I make my relationship with others more important than my relationship with God or with me. I forgot to think about the "I" in the relationship. If I do all this for them, how will I feel. Does God really want me to do so much. Why am I so tired. If I don't take breaks for me, do activities by myself, have my own fun, how good am I going to be for others.
Whether it is shopping, doing my hair, taking a walk. Sometimes I need to have time to think my own thoughts.
Then when I am stronger and rested, I am able to be more objective, less worrisome, and able to let God do his work in my life and the lives of others. There can be a lot of pleasure in just being.
But I still think that I have written all of this and skirted the issues that bother me most. It bothers me that relationships are so hard.
It bothers me when I feel that I give and that my giving isn't considered enough.
It bothers me when I try to put a smile on someone else's face and they resist.
It bothers me when I really think I am trying to be considerate and they step on my feelings, or say inconsiderate words and offend me.
I love my children and my partner. but they take a lot of energy from me.
10-8-08
Too many times I have recently wanted to end my relationship. It is painful for me to stay and painful for me to end it. Last night he had no patience with anything I had to say. I did not realize how hurt I would be when My daughter told me that he was speaking to someone else on the phone. Today I sat still for about 30 minutes trying to find the way to say
"look I think it is not the same,
I think you don't feel the same about me,
you are hiding something..."
But then when I spoke with him, he sounded so cheerful that I didn't want to dampen his spirits. I guess that is my role, to often sacrifice and to love unconditionally.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The meter is running, it is like being in a taxi cab. I am not sure the destination, but the time it takes to travel means sacrifice. I have more suspicions and worries the longer I am with him. Until it crescendos and I find that I am begging God in prayer. I don't want to be needy, I don't want to be in pain. I also don't want to repeat past failures. I prayed that God protect me from the pain of earlier indecision and that he point me, illuminate the path, guide me to where I am to be. I also reminded God that I don't believe that he allowed me to survive and heal so that I can have another painful relationship with a man . At some point I cried enough and hugged myself enough that it was 4:30 this morning and I had slept. I feel much more relieved now I don't have more trust in my partner, but I have more faith in God.
Sometimes, I make my relationship with others more important than my relationship with God or with me. I forgot to think about the "I" in the relationship. If I do all this for them, how will I feel. Does God really want me to do so much. Why am I so tired. If I don't take breaks for me, do activities by myself, have my own fun, how good am I going to be for others.
Whether it is shopping, doing my hair, taking a walk. Sometimes I need to have time to think my own thoughts.
Then when I am stronger and rested, I am able to be more objective, less worrisome, and able to let God do his work in my life and the lives of others. There can be a lot of pleasure in just being.
But I still think that I have written all of this and skirted the issues that bother me most. It bothers me that relationships are so hard.
It bothers me when I feel that I give and that my giving isn't considered enough.
It bothers me when I try to put a smile on someone else's face and they resist.
It bothers me when I really think I am trying to be considerate and they step on my feelings, or say inconsiderate words and offend me.
I love my children and my partner. but they take a lot of energy from me.
10-8-08
Too many times I have recently wanted to end my relationship. It is painful for me to stay and painful for me to end it. Last night he had no patience with anything I had to say. I did not realize how hurt I would be when My daughter told me that he was speaking to someone else on the phone. Today I sat still for about 30 minutes trying to find the way to say
"look I think it is not the same,
I think you don't feel the same about me,
you are hiding something..."
But then when I spoke with him, he sounded so cheerful that I didn't want to dampen his spirits. I guess that is my role, to often sacrifice and to love unconditionally.
Friday, October 17, 2008
The meter is running, it is like being in a taxi cab. I am not sure the destination, but the time it takes to travel means sacrifice. I have more suspicions and worries the longer I am with him. Until it crescendos and I find that I am begging God in prayer. I don't want to be needy, I don't want to be in pain. I also don't want to repeat past failures. I prayed that God protect me from the pain of earlier indecision and that he point me, illuminate the path, guide me to where I am to be. I also reminded God that I don't believe that he allowed me to survive and heal so that I can have another painful relationship with a man . At some point I cried enough and hugged myself enough that it was 4:30 this morning and I had slept. I feel much more relieved now I don't have more trust in my partner, but I have more faith in God.
Mom's day
How strange it feels today. I forget when I wake up, but as I walk to work I realize that today is my mother's birthday!
For once I don't feel so sad and like I want to cry. I think it has made a big difference to have her picture displayed in my living room over the last year. I get to look at it often and somehow it is like she is there.
Maybe Duke is smart about a lot of things...
I didn't understand my mother much when she was alive and I don't understand much more now other than to admit that it is difficult to be a mother, that more than likely she did her best to make the best choices and give the advice that she thought would have the best outcome. Although that in itself means that she might be in direct conflict with what I thought I guess lead to a lot of heartache on my side.
It is funny that I always thought she was beautiful and the picture I have in my living room shows her more beautiful and slim than I remember. Funnier, is rather than having a model of some other slim person, I can aspire to get slim like she is in the picture.
Well, it looks like I will always love her. I am happy that Mommy is not suffering anymore. I am positive that she is either resting or in Heaven and it is most important to me that she is not still in pain.
On the day after birthday, I don't feel as positive. Now I am starting to feel sad.
For once I don't feel so sad and like I want to cry. I think it has made a big difference to have her picture displayed in my living room over the last year. I get to look at it often and somehow it is like she is there.
Maybe Duke is smart about a lot of things...
I didn't understand my mother much when she was alive and I don't understand much more now other than to admit that it is difficult to be a mother, that more than likely she did her best to make the best choices and give the advice that she thought would have the best outcome. Although that in itself means that she might be in direct conflict with what I thought I guess lead to a lot of heartache on my side.
It is funny that I always thought she was beautiful and the picture I have in my living room shows her more beautiful and slim than I remember. Funnier, is rather than having a model of some other slim person, I can aspire to get slim like she is in the picture.
Well, it looks like I will always love her. I am happy that Mommy is not suffering anymore. I am positive that she is either resting or in Heaven and it is most important to me that she is not still in pain.
On the day after birthday, I don't feel as positive. Now I am starting to feel sad.
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