Relationships

It is never easy to be in a relationship. It doesn't matter the kind of relationship, there is just implicit difficulty related. Because, there has to be compromise, consideration, and anything that is more than thinking about one's self takes work.

Sometimes, I make my relationship with others more important than my relationship with God or with me. I forgot to think about the "I" in the relationship. If I do all this for them, how will I feel. Does God really want me to do so much. Why am I so tired. If I don't take breaks for me, do activities by myself, have my own fun, how good am I going to be for others.

Whether it is shopping, doing my hair, taking a walk. Sometimes I need to have time to think my own thoughts.

Then when I am stronger and rested, I am able to be more objective, less worrisome, and able to let God do his work in my life and the lives of others. There can be a lot of pleasure in just being.

But I still think that I have written all of this and skirted the issues that bother me most. It bothers me that relationships are so hard.
It bothers me when I feel that I give and that my giving isn't considered enough.
It bothers me when I try to put a smile on someone else's face and they resist.
It bothers me when I really think I am trying to be considerate and they step on my feelings, or say inconsiderate words and offend me.
I love my children and my partner. but they take a lot of energy from me.

10-8-08

Too many times I have recently wanted to end my relationship. It is painful for me to stay and painful for me to end it. Last night he had no patience with anything I had to say. I did not realize how hurt I would be when My daughter told me that he was speaking to someone else on the phone. Today I sat still for about 30 minutes trying to find the way to say
"look I think it is not the same,
I think you don't feel the same about me,
you are hiding something..."
But then when I spoke with him, he sounded so cheerful that I didn't want to dampen his spirits. I guess that is my role, to often sacrifice and to love unconditionally.

Friday, October 17, 2008

The meter is running, it is like being in a taxi cab. I am not sure the destination, but the time it takes to travel means sacrifice. I have more suspicions and worries the longer I am with him. Until it crescendos and I find that I am begging God in prayer. I don't want to be needy, I don't want to be in pain. I also don't want to repeat past failures. I prayed that God protect me from the pain of earlier indecision and that he point me, illuminate the path, guide me to where I am to be. I also reminded God that I don't believe that he allowed me to survive and heal so that I can have another painful relationship with a man . At some point I cried enough and hugged myself enough that it was 4:30 this morning and I had slept. I feel much more relieved now I don't have more trust in my partner, but I have more faith in God.